I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Randomize
