mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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