what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
