a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
