I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
