New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
