she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
