A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
