well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
