she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
So vagazzling was a success
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
