Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
