I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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