Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
