Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
only you would photoshop your dick
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I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
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My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.