Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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