The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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