I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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