I think im going to throw up on grandma
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He better not be in your backpack
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
