I'm going to jail i love you
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
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His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
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They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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