I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
