It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
