Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she told me i tasted like america
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Is Oprah even human
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
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