PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Randomize
