we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
