Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
