no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
