Heybabeimwearingurpanties
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
