I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
