im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
