i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
