I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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