My underwear smells like fireworks.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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