I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
