Plan B is the new Plan A
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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