Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize