During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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