Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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