There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
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They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
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Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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