the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
