I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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