2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
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She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
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Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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