I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
