Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
