i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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