just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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