Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
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REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
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What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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