I skipped work to stalk him.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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