so that wasnt chicken after all
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
