Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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