I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
