Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
