Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
