u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
