ya dads aren't the best wingmen
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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