Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
