I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
